Anneal

Traditionally a scientific term, I'm drawn more to anneal's less formal definition. Metal or other substances can be heated and then cooled slowly which makes the material stronger. Applying heat allows the atoms or molecules to align themselves thereby reducing the amount of inconsistencies and makes the material more durable. Samurai swords are fabricated in this manner, repeatedly heating and cooling the sword to increase it's strength.

Anneal can also be used to describe a strengthening of will or resolve. One source extends the definition further, "to strengthen or toughen via difficult situation s and experience." That definition is what really drew me to this word. I love love love this definition, and was a bit disappointed that the traditional definition is more common.

It made me think of the hardships I have been through and the lessons I took from those experiences. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. I was tempted to write to one of those hardships; driving my mother to the hospital as she was suffering a stroke, hearing the Artistic Director of a BFA program that I sincerely bought into (with huge loans) say that marketable skills are for grad school, saying goodbye to an abusive father dying of alcohol induced dementia. These are all pivotal episodes of my life and helped shape who I am.

But these episodes are not what makes me who I am. My response to them, how I dealt with these episodes is what truly defines who I am. And I'm not unaware of the privilege I have, the perverse luxury that at age 21, 9-11 was only my first terrorist attack. But I am not here to measure myself, my life experiences, or my accomplishments.  I am proud of myself. That's not always easy to say when your peers are in movies, having their movies made, picking up tours and creating new work with fabulous grants.

One of the more difficult challenges with my unemployment is strengthening my resolve to pursue work and find the next chapter. It's far easier to sit on facebook all day and watch the lives of others online.  Or to rationalize my procrastination with heartfelt platitudes, 'I'm taking time to find me.' 'Really centering myself.' There is the danger that reminding oneself of your trials and tribulations that you will fall into a spiral of victimhood.  I think that is why I find anneal to be a truly beautiful word. It embodies the positive outcomes from tragedy.

My positive outcomes from personal tragedies are something to be proud of, they should be honored, and respected regardless of my privilege. What I find is that, in an act of self-perpetuation, reminding myself of my past anneal-ings, I resolve myself again for the task at hand. Conveniently, it is itself its own upward spiral.