Compersion

I love when words have stories, and this one gets very personal. I hope you will approach it with an open mind, and an open heart, even though it may challenge you. There are few words I know of that simultaneously threaten and absolve, which explains in part my adoration of this word.

In 2008, I met a handsome and charming man at the Philly Gay Rodeo, it was a magical moment. Alas, he lived in Pennsylvania and I lived in Brooklyn. Nevertheless, we began to date and tried to make it work.  He had a background in gender and sexuality studies and made it clear from the get go that he would need an open relationship.

This was a new frontier for me. Though I knew of couples who were open themselves, I trended monogamous in my relationships. He was different and I figured, it's only the first couple of months, let's see what this is like. I asked him for information on this kind of arrangement. That's when he introduced me to the word, compersion.

Compersion is the inverse of jealousy. We are jealous of someone who has something we do not have. Perhaps we are jealous of someone who has someone we don't have. We discussed a little about the patriarchal paradigms of ownership, and how men are not predisposed to be monogamous. He proposed this viewpoint, "What if I did something I love to do. Would that make you happy?"

Of course. And that's the key to compersion. Having joy in other's joy. I can't admit a fondness of open relationships for myself, but I love this word. It lives in a paradigm of abundance, that there is a lot of love, a lot of joy, a lot of trust and a lot of freedom. Sounds almost too good to be true!

Too many times I hear of my colleagues' success and I have to confess there's always a mysterious mixture of regret, envy, self-pity. I know that their achievements don't diminish my own, or take away from my potential, but that's not always how it feels!

I try now to take the inverse approach and share in the feeling of their success. It's not easy, but it's definitely preferable. This law of compersion would make a great addition to any relationship, regardless of it's status or arrangement. How wonderful is it that there is a word for taking pleasure and satisfaction when someone you love does something that brings them happiness and pleasure. I'll take that over jealousy, envy and regret any day.