Gratitude

I was laid off from my job, ending a nearly 7 year run at a commercial real estate investment bank. What started as a short term temp job to tide me over while I worked on a show, became an opportunity to pay off my debts at an accelerated rate. The work was hard, but I did my job well and was promoted to Associate and enjoyed very comprehensive benefits.

The layoff was not a surprise but what was surprising was my reaction. I thought I would be more emotional but I was calm and collected. The day passed very smoothly, and i said my goodbye's and everyone was generally sad to see me go. I told people that I had a lot of feelings and that there were too many to focus on just one.

After work I sat down and began making lists and rules for how I'm going to move forward with my newfound freedom. One of the items that came up was "express gratitude." It's an item that really stood out for me, and probably should go up to the top of the list. For much of my work there, I felt a lot of resentment. Profound resentment, at my life, my situation, my options. I tried to keep most of it to myself, but every once in a while, it would spark up.

I was resentful about my NYU Education and the economic burden it placed on me. I resented what I felt was a higher ed swindle, when behind closed doors, the administration described marketable skills as something reserved for grad school. I knew I'm not alone in these challenges, but that did not comfort me.  I had to keep myself from resenting people more fortunate than myself. Sometimes it worked.

And now that my tenure as an office drone is over, and I have the freedom and opportunity to pursue my passions, I am filled with gratitude. The storm has finally passed, the cloud has lifted and the path ahead is clear.

My curiosity for the future is outweighing my consideration for the past too. Part of me wonders if I feel gratitude for my time in the corporate trenches, if I'm grateful for the financial burden NYU placed on me, if it made me stronger and more resolute. Or if my feeling of gratitude for where I am now and the opportunities ahead simply outweigh and neutralize those past feelings of resentment. With the world opening up for me, I simply don't have the temerity to tie up those grimy loose ends; the past is indeed the past and behind me now.

It's exhilarating, this weight that has been lifted. At the same time, I don't want to lose myself in this new social, metaphysical environment I find myself. I hold that self reflection is a fundamental value. I need this place to be sustainable. It's not enough to just feel gratitude, you have to express it. It's a flower that has grown from a very thorny vine, clinging to a thankless wall. Expressing gratitude plans seeds for other people and nourished their own lives. And it nourishes your own vine too. I'm grateful for many things, too many perhaps to parse out and itemize here. Grateful for the word that encapsulates this feeling.